My Struggles

While I love being able to be at home for my kids while they need me the most I really struggle with things sometimes. I miss working and the interaction with other adults. I LOVE to talk and it is hard to hold a logical conversation with children 4 and under. Heck it is even hard to hold a reasonable conversation with a 10 year old most of the time. I try to talk to him and I get many "I don't knows" and it irritates me. I would like to know what is going on in his young world. At least when I was working I had many different types of people to talk to so I was not ever bored.

I also am frustrated living in England. It is supposed to be pretty easy to make friends with other military wives but I am not sure how to do this. I have become pretty antisocial since being at home. I would not have any clue how to meet new people at this point in my life. I am too afraid of being judged. Are my children behaving well? Probably not as well as I would like but they are kids. Is my house clean enough? Who knows? I have too many kids or not enough. I have dogs. I breastfeed. I want to go out once in a while without kids or husband. I just want to go somewhere and do something with other people who are not always in my immediate family sometimes. I had met a few people when we first moved here and that was great. We took turns going to each other's houses and going places like the beach but that ended way too quickly. I have not had any friends near me for the past year and it really sucks. Two of the girls I was friends with went away because I couldn't deal with the abusive type relationship one of them had and so when I quit hanging out with her the other quit hanging out with me. The third girl quit talking to me conveniently around the time I got pregnant with H. I never really figured out why she got mad at me and quit talking to me. She said I hung up the phone on her and I didn't so I have not a clue what really happened. It makes me sad! There are a couple of women that I can chit chat with once in a while and they really seem like great women but they have no kids and I seem to be bogged down with mine all the time. I think if either they had kids or I didn't have kids we would hang out and have fun but then again maybe not. Maybe I am just not the type of person who deserves to have good moral people with healthy relationships in my life. I seem to attract all the needy ones who have zero desire to better themselves.

I am also stressed about where we might have to live when we go back stateside. There are three states that The Man and I have either family or friends in. None of them seem to be the perfect place for us. California, where The Man is from and all of his family still live is beautiful but too much money for us to live a comfortable life. Arizona, I have family and 1 set of friends there. Neither of us love the heat but the prices are decent and we would be able to do well on our income. Washington, I have family that I do not really have much to do with and I have friends there. I love Washington weather. It is similar to the weather here in England. I would be able to grow a garden easily and we would be only a couple hours to the beach. It would also be only a 2-4 day drive to either my family or The Man's family. This would be my choice but once again I think it may be a bit too pricey. I keep watching house prices all over and it is killing me to see how much they have dropped in the 2 years we have been here. To be quite honest, if I had some friends or family and could afford to stay I would love to stay here in England. There is so much to do here. The only thing I do not like about being here is the no friends and family. Of course the biggest thing about where we will live when we go back is where The Man's job sends us. Of course we are hoping for somewhere we might like to retire as it would be nice to try to get established before he can retire in a few years but that is not always what happens.

I know that my struggles are mostly due to my own insecurities and lack of trying but I really never thought I would feel so alone when I have a husband and 4 children. It is difficult to feel so alone all the time. Of course The Man doesn't understand because he is just fine having no other people around him. He would be happy to live with just his man toys and his cable and Internet. I am not though. And to top off my struggles I am getting sick. I already have an ear infection. Now I have a sore throat and headache too.

Thanks for letting me grump and hopefully I will start feeling better soon.